


turn your shattered dreams into rhapsodies

by SoloByChoice



Category: due South
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Post-Call of the Wild, Relationship Negotiation, Sex Repulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 10:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14566938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloByChoice/pseuds/SoloByChoice
Summary: Fraser and Kowalski negotiate a partnership, despite some communication difficulties. Then Fraser decides he wants to tell Kowalski about the recently departed ghost of his father, with some help from Vecchio.





	turn your shattered dreams into rhapsodies

**Author's Note:**

> some notes, to be safe: the referenced past child abuse is exactly what you expect from this canon, the referenced past dub/con is some very vague Fraser/Victoria stuff, and Fraser thinks some things about himself and relationships that are not endorsed by the author... since there's nothing wrong with him, but of course no one's told him that...
> 
> the title is from Hayley Kiyoko's song "Palace"
> 
> this is the first proper "shippy" fanfiction I've ever written (yes, after 13 or so years of writing fic), so please be gentle ;)

The kiss came out of nowhere, at least from Fraser’s perspective. One minute he’d been telling Ray a deliberately ridiculous story about a moose and an old lady from Yellowknife and the next Ray’s mouth was on his. Not that that was a bad thing, necessarily, he was just struggling to connect the two.

No, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. It was nice and warm and unfortunately all too short, Ray pulling back just as Fraser had been able to put aside how unexpected it was and focus on enjoying it. It would have been rude not to let Ray break away, so Fraser sat back and waited for an explanation.

True to form, Ray started talking like they were half-way through a conversation Fraser didn’t remember starting. “No, no, okay, you’re right, who am I kidding? Let’s just forget it, okay? Let’s rewind five minutes and you go back to telling that story and we’ll just – Unless – hey, I don’t expect anything, okay, but if you’d rather I left—“

He made to stand up, but Fraser grabbed his arm. “No! That is, no, Ray, I certainly don’t want you to leave.”

He frowned. “Then why didn’t you –“ he began, but seemed to realize something while speaking. His eyes flashed. “Oh, I get it. You gotta keep up that straight-laced Mountie thing, can’t drop the Superman act for five minutes and just be _human_.”

Now Ray sounded angry and Fraser was still desperately confused. What could he have done wrong? He hadn’t even done anything! “Ray, what are you talking about?”

“I mean, I put myself out there – I put myself on the line, and we’re up here in the middle of nowhere, Canada,” – Fraser tried to interrupt but Ray was building up a good head of steam and didn’t notice – “with no one around for a million miles, except Dief, and the dogs too I guess...Anyway, as good as alone, and you can’t drop the Mountie act and just –“

“It’s not an act, Ray, I _am_ a member of the Royal Canadian –“

“You know what I mean!”

“No, I don’t know what you mean. I’m not in uniform right now, nor am I on duty, and I think you would be better served by saying what you mean rather than trying to imply it.”

“Alright, fine! I mean you act like you got a stick up your ass sometimes, and it drives me nuts. And there’s no way you’re as stupid as you pretend to be. You gotta know how I feel about ya, I’ve been obvious enough, and you been talkin about “partners” and all that. So if you didn’t wanta do this, you should of said something before I went and, ya know.”

“Kissed me?”

Ray nodded rapidly, and Fraser realized perhaps somewhat late that Ray’s anger seemed to be covering some degree of fear. He understood perfectly, but it didn’t excuse some of the things Ray had just said to him, so he wasn’t going to let him off the hook quite yet.

“You haven’t been obvious enough. I’m not opposed, in principal, but I wasn’t expecting it, so if I didn’t react as you wanted, I can only say I was surprised.”

Ray sank slowly down into a more relaxed sitting position on his bed roll, as he had been when this all started. “So, you’re not mad? You’re not gunna leave me to fend for myself on this frozen tundra cus you don’t wanna share a tent with –“

“No, I’m not angry that you kissed me.”

“But you are angry.” Ray shifted uncomfortably. “Look, Frase, I was mad and I thought you were gunna hate me forever or something, I didn’t mean...”

“Yes, you did. People don’t just say things they don’t mean when they’re angry. So excuse me if I’m acting like I’ve got a ‘stick up my ass’ but –“

Ray groaned and flopped down onto his back. “If you’re gonna be like this, I’m going to sleep.”

_You started it_ , Fraser didn’t say. He extinguished the lamp and lay down with his back to Ray.

It wasn’t that Fraser didn’t like Ray. He liked him rather a lot and he liked the easy pattern they’d fallen into, the closeness of their relationship, the trust they had in each other. It was different to, but not wholly so, his friendship with Ray Vecchio. It was only very recently that Fraser had found himself considering that it might be evolving into something else. Like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. The same, but also completely different.

Love was complicated.

Especially since, of course, he loved Ray Vecchio. And he’d loved Ray Kowalski for a while now. It was just in the last two weeks or so that he’d found himself thinking idly about kissing the man.

It had been a nice kiss. A little scratchy and more hesitant than Fraser had imagined it might be. But then, Ray had been nervous, after who knew how long of “being obvious” and probably getting nothing back. Then he’d gotten angry because Fraser hadn’t kissed him back right away, apparently, and he viewed this as a rejection. Fraser understood that now, but this kind of thinking just didn’t come naturally to him. If Ray had given him a few extra seconds of processing time, then this entire argument could have been avoided.

_Never go to bed angry, son,_ he imagined his father saying, but he wasn’t sure it was the type of advice the man would have given. In life, never. In death....

_“I thought you were permanent.”_

_It’s been weeks, why am I getting upset about this now?_

He tried to hold onto his anger at Ray for a little longer because the alternative was just being sad. _You’re wrong, Ray._ _I am unfortunately very human._

The next morning the sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the dogs and Diefenbaker were excited to get to work. Fraser watched Ray greeting them with enthusiasm as he packed up the sled. Ray was kind at heart, and energetic, adventurous, spiky, with a hair trigger at times, and Fraser was so fond of him. In the light of day everything, even harsh words and heartbreak, looked brighter.

“Morning, Frase,” said Ray, coming over. The sunlight caught the tips of his hair and for a moment Fraser was entranced by the effect. Then Ray shifted his head slightly and the golden glow was gone.

 Fraser handed him some jerky. “Good morning, Ray.”

“Listen, about last night. I’m sorry I said you put on a Mountie act. I mean, you do, but you weren’t last night. You were just... being you. And I kinda happen to like you a lot, so I’m sorry I was a jerk. And if you want to just forget about everything that happened, that’s fine.” Ray stood waiting, looking a little like he was going before the firing squad.

“It’s quite alright, Ray. I haven’t entirely been myself lately.” _And maybe I’ll even tell you why, later._ “As for the rest of it....” He paused. It was fun to make Ray squirm a little.

When Ray started to look annoyed, Fraser smiled at him, then closed the gap between them and kissed him. It was brief, but he gave Ray enough time to relax into it before pulling away.

Ray’s face split into a grin. “I still meant the bit about you driving me nuts.”

Fraser turned away towards the sled, feeling pink and proud of himself. “You rescue a man from an ice fissure once and you pay and pay and pay...”

//

Unfortunately, unless they wanted to lose their jobs, they couldn’t stay out in the wild forever.

“Unfortunate? Look, I love adventuring with you, Fraser, but you have no idea how excited I am to use an actual toilet. And a shower! Thank god it’s so cold or I think my smell’d kill a man at 20 paces. And a bed, oh god, imagine not having to sleep on the ground, I mean, I know you like sleeping on the ground, but beds are _great_.”

If nothing else, Fraser’s back agreed with him.

“Plus we could finally, uh, seal the deal? If we’re gunna do this thing, we might as well do this thing, ya know?”

“Shower first,” said Fraser, then launched into an explanation of how, actually, sleeping on the ground was said to be good for the spine, trying to ignore the way his stomach twisted with worry.

Intellectually, Fraser knew you couldn’t express a desire for a lifelong partnership with someone without eventually introducing some physical intimacy. Well, you _could_ , but surely that boat had long sailed what with all the kissing they’d gotten up to recently. The physical exhaustion of travel and the fact of living in a tent had made it easy for him to avoid anything else. Once they had reached town and found a place to stay, he would have to... well, what? Take his medicine, as it were? Lose Ray?

Unacceptable. So. That was that.

Once they reached town, they found a room at a lodge where seasonal hunters often stayed. Ray delightedly called first shower, so Fraser fed the dogs and Diefenbaker, then was drawn into a conversation with the couple who owned the lodge. Talking about how the area had changed over the long years they had lived there distracted Fraser from his worries. Ray and several of the hunters also staying at the lodge joined them for the dinner they provided when they had enough guests. Fraser loved the wild, but there was something to be said for good food and company.

He excused himself to go shower when he was done eating. Alone again, his problems came rushing back.

Fraser scrubbed vigorously at his hair.

He’d had sex before, with Victoria. It was one of the more... complicated aspects of their relationship. Since the last time he’d seen her, he’d done his best to critically revaluate what, if anything, they’d been to each other. He still hadn’t quite figured it all out, though he was aware that some of that was on purpose. There were some things he just didn’t like to admit to himself.

_There was a darkness in her._ Well.

He still wasn’t sure if he’d been in love with her or not. He wasn’t sure whether he was “in love” with Ray, either, but at the very least he knew he loved Ray. Victoria.... there were a lot of complicated, painful emotions there, but he knew at least that he didn’t want to ever see her again.

As for the sex... if he was honest with himself, which he tried to be, he wasn’t sure he’d ever actually wanted to have sex with her. Maybe he should have, and he had done it, obviously, and maybe he’d built up too many boundaries around himself like fences and maybe he just needed someone to push past them... Maybe. But they weren’t happy memories.

Yes, he’d enjoyed aspects of it, but that was all hardwired into a person’s brain. A rush of endorphins was always going to feel good, regardless of what had caused them.

But there was a difference between, say, pulling a splinter out of one’s finger and liking how good it felt the moment it was gone, and actually wanting to chase that kind of feeling. Or... being drunk might feel very nice (he imagined), but it wasn’t worth the hangover.

So, no, he didn’t like sex. He’d never really been interested in it, not for as long as he could remember. He didn’t particularly want to have sex with Ray.

Of course, it might be different with Ray. It would be different, at least as far as basic anatomy was concerned. He certainly trusted Ray a lot more than he had Victoria. Maybe he could keep at least some of his boundaries intact. Keep more... in charge, though he wasn’t sure what he’d do, exactly. Make sure Ray was never physically above him.

Fraser sighed and leaned against the wall, letting the lukewarm water wash over him. He knew he was wasting it, but he didn’t want to get out. For a moment he felt the weight of all the things he didn’t want to do pressing down on him. If he could have asked them for advice, he imagined his grandmother would have told him not to be a baby and his father would have deliberately misunderstood the question to get out of answering it and his mother... He couldn’t remember what her voice had sounded like.

He forced himself to straighten up. He was an adult, damn it, and relationships were all about compromise, weren’t they?  He’d gotten through extensive PT, surely he could get through twenty minutes of --

Oh, God, he really didn’t want to and he didn’t even have a reason why. But he also didn’t want to be alone. Perhaps it had been a mistake to become so connected to another person, but it was too late now. He wanted Ray in his life for as long as possible, but he knew that he would never be able to approximate a ‘normal’ relationship with any kind of ease. He hadn’t even gotten that first kiss right! It would be too much to ask of Ray to deal with all the ways Fraser was lacking as a romantic partner and his sexual hang-ups thrown in to boot.

“Hey, Frase! Are you still in there? Don’t use all the water, I wanna brush my teeth!”

_Here goes nothing,_ Fraser thought, and turned off the shower.

//

Ray Vecchio shouldn’t have been back at work yet, but he’d been bored laying around at home, and if he didn’t run around too much he should be okay. Not that sitting at his old desk doing paperwork wasn’t also boring, as he would be the first to loudly inform anyone who asked and several people who hadn’t, but privately he thought it was kind of nice. He didn’t have to worry about being murdered, for one thing. And with Fraser disappeared for the last few weeks off into the wide blue god-knew-where, he couldn’t be dragged into the latest harebrained investigation.

Of course, knowing Benny, him and Kowalski were probably up to their necks in something... chasing narwhal smugglers across the continent or whatever passed for crime up there.

Ray snorted to himself. Yeah, Vegas had sucked for a lot of real legitimate reasons, but it would be hard to explain to anyone why he’d found himself missing jumping out of speeding trains rigged to explode or driving a dumb Mountie who wouldn’t take the CTA like everyone else around the entire city on a regular basis. Benny was a pain in the ass – and, often, other parts of his body – but...

His desk phone rang. “Yello?”

“Hey, yeah, you got a minute? Cus I’ve got some questions about –“

“ _Stanley?_ ” _Speak of the devil, sort of._

A pause, where Ray could just imagine Kowalski rolling his eyes and then resolving to be polite in case annoying Ray meant he wouldn’t get the answers to his questions about whatever. “Yes, Vecchio, it’s Kowalski. Listen, this phone call’s gonna cost me – uh—multiple limbs probably, so if we could make it snappy that’d be great.”

“I’m doing fine, thanks for asking. Back at work, able to breath almost normally again, oh and I met your ex, she’s really smart, I can’t believe she was ever married to you –“

Kowalski snarled. “Vecchio, if you could shut up for two seconds, I’ve got a Fraser problem.”

“What? And you’re calling Chicago about this?”

“Not that kind of Fraser problem. We haven’t been, like, captured by French-Canadian radicals and left tied up in an abandoned tin mine or whatever sounds less plausible. It’s more like I got a problem with Fraser.”

“Me too. You know he made me blow up my car? And then you clowns get it lit on fire when I’ve been gone five minutes –“

“Who’s Victoria, Vecchio?”

Ray felt like someone had dropped an ice cube down the back of his shirt. “Damn, that bitch isn’t back, is she?”

“Back? Who _is_ she? Fraser was being weird earlier and now he’s gone all squirrelly and won’t explain anything.”

“Weird how?” Fraser sure had been acting weird when Victoria had been in town last time. Well, weird for Fraser, given his normal was a level of weird most people didn’t normally achieve.

“Weird like... uncomfortable.”

“I spent enough time with the guy to memorize all his tics, okay, uncomfortable is not weird for Fraser.”

“No, look, I compensated for that, okay? He was more uncomfortable than normal and pretending like everything was fine, like he does. And I said ‘I’m not an asshole, alright, it’s fine if you don’t want to do this’ and then he said ‘no of course I do, Ray, blah blah’ you know and then made some lame excuse and rabbited. Then later I heard him grumbling to himself and Dief and he mentioned someone named Victoria. So.”

“Wait wait back up,” said Ray, waving a hand even though he knew Kowalski couldn’t see him. “What were you doing?”

“Nothing! None of your business.”

“You called me!”

“Yeah and you’re being real fuckin helpful.”

“Listen,” Ray snarled, trying to keep his volume down. The last thing he needed was to attract the attention of that new jag off detective, Dewey. Or, god forbid, Frannie. “Victoria Metcalf is serious bad news. If there’s even the slightest chance that he saw her – where were you two when this happened?”

“Inside. Alone. There’s no way he saw her, there’s less people in this town than came to me and Stella’s wedding, probably. They don’t even have roads. Just packed snow. Don’t have a fit, Vecchio, she’s not here. So who is she? What’d she do to him?”

“She was someone he caught years ago, and once she was out of jail, she showed up in Chicago to mess with him. He thinks they used to be in love or something. Maybe they were, I don’t know, but she lied the whole time she was here, and she shot the wolf.”

“She shot Dief? Jesus.”

“Yeah, she was tryin to frame Fraser for murder. And I’m still not sure he wasn’t planning on leaving with her. I don’t know. He says he was trying to catch her. I knew she had a gun, thought she still had it on her... I don’t think he would’ve survived long if they had run off together.”

“Wait, hang on, I’m remembering some of this from the case files, you know? Something about diamonds and- wait, shit, she was wrapped up in that whole thing with you shooting Fraser?”

“Yes.” Ray didn’t like dwelling on that memory. “Listen, Kowalski, he never talks about her. Not after all that went down. If she hasn’t surfaced again, why would he mention her?”

“Hey, I said he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to Dief! I wasn’t even supposed to hear.” There was a pause, then Kowalski’s voice came back on the line, sounding wary. “You really think he would’ve run off with her? After everything she did?”

 “Yeah, I don’t know. I hope not, but it can be hard to quit caring about someone who’s treated you like shit.” Ray sighed. _Ah, Benny_.

“Yeah. Well, I guess I should go. Thanks for the help, uh, I’m gonna find Fraser now.”

“Hey, wait, wait! You had better call me back, Kowalski. One day I swear I’m gonna get an ulcer worrying about that idiot, and I will personally blame you if this is the final straw!”

He heard Kowalski laughing and then the line went dead.

“Was that Ray? You shoulda let me talk to him, Ray!” complained Frannie, punching him in the shoulder.

“Ow, hey, I almost died, you know!” Ray whined.

Frannie rolled her eyes. “How are they? They find Franklin’s arm yet or whatever?”

“You know it’s not a literal – oh never mind. Kowalski just wanted to bug me about some case,” Ray lied. Fraser talking about Victoria, Kowalski asking advice from him of all people... the whole thing was hinky and Ray was worried. He felt like he was missing something, some kind of context that would make this make some kind of sense.

///

Fraser had briefly considered spending the night outside with the dogs, but he told himself very sternly that he was a grown man and he was not going to go hide from his problems. Plus he’d really been looking forward to sleeping on that bed. So he went in to face the music.

Ray was there, looking worried when he might easily have been angry. Fraser reflected, not for the first time, that really, on balance, while he certainly tried to be a good person, he didn’t deserve Ray Kowalski. The fact that Ray would tell him to shut the hell up of course you do if he expressed this aloud only made him love the man more.

“So,” said Ray, as Fraser sat down and began to unlace his boots. “Um, do you wanna tell me what that was about? You don’t have to! But I kinda figure if we’re going to do this thing, you know, this partners thing, uh, we gotta get used to talking. I mean, I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me. I can give you the “how I figured out I was bisexual” spiel, I’ve got loads of experience being in love with my best friend but uh that didn’t turn out so well so never mind, oh also I can tell you how much fun it is to know the federal government kinda wouldn’t care if you got sick and died –“

Fraser only had to say “Ray” three times to get him to stop. “Yes, I want to tell you.” _Or I want to want to tell you, which is going to have to be enough._ “I’ll attempt to explain, as best I can. Just give me a few minutes.”

Once Fraser had gotten ready for bed, he lay down on the side opposite to Ray and turned off the lamp. The room went dark.

He heard Ray turn over. “Um, Frase?”

“I think it’ll be easier this way.”

“Okay, um, before you begin I think I should tell you – I called Vecchio, earlier. I was worried and uh, I heard you talkin to Dief, so.”

Fraser felt a little ill. “What did you hear me say, exactly?”

“Not much, you just mentioned the name Victoria, so I asked Vecchio who that was and he told me the whole story. Sorry, I probably should not have done that. I was kind of panicking.”

“Did you tell him –“

“No, jeez, but uh he’s not stupid so I’m just warning you he might figure it out. Or who knows, maybe not! Let’s worry about that later.”

“Yes,” Fraser agreed, pushing that issue to the back of his mind. “Now, Ray, I’m going to tell you some things I’ve never told anyone before so please don’t interrupt.”

“Okay.”

Fraser’s mind went blank.

Ray waited for about fifteen seconds. “Um?”

“Sorry, I don’t know where to begin.”

“Maybe it would help if I asked some questions?”

“Sure, let’s try that.”

“Okay, how about: when did you first realize you liked guys?”

“Approximately... three weeks ago.”

“Huh.”

“I realized I wanted to make our partnership something more committed and long-lasting. Also I thought about kissing you sometimes.”

Ray laughed. “But seriously I’m the first guy you’ve ever been into? Is that what this is about? Cus I get it if that’s freaking you out, ya know?”

Fraser shook his head. “That’s not it. It’s not exactly that you’re an exception to the rule because Victoria was very much an exception as well.” He heard Ray shift and held up a hand to stop him saying anything. His eyes having adjusted to the darkness, Ray saw and stayed silent.

“I’ve never been attracted to men,” he explained. “But I’ve never really been attracted to women either. None of that has ever... come naturally to me. In fact, those types of relationships, how people fall for each other like that, what exactly makes it different from friendship... none of that has ever made intuitive sense to me.

“I tried to figure it out, of course. When I was a teenager, I asked my friends a lot of questions I’m sure they thought were very strange. I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me, something so fundamental it was unlikely to change.”

Ray made a disgruntled noise, but said nothing.

“Victoria was a... very complicated event. I thought I was in love with her. I built our relationship up into something it never really was, into some tragic, doomed thing I could point to as explanation for why I spent my life alone. And I wanted to believe that I chose and enjoyed everything that happened between us because otherwise... the alternative was too unpleasant. I...”

Fraser paused for a moment and looked up at the dark shadow that was the ceiling. He could hear Ray breathing.

“And then of course she came back and pretended to be in love with me and tried to ruin my life so – uh –“ _Ugh get it together, Benton._

Ray scooted over so his shoulder pressed against Fraser’s. It was warm and when Fraser turned his head, he got a nose-full of Ray’s hair. They lay like that for a moment.

“So when I realized how I felt about you, I decided I didn’t want to lie to you about how I feel or about what I want. What we have is... exactly what I want. Partners. I think it’s what I’ve always wanted, I’ve just never thought anyone would understand. And I never thought it would be enough for anyone else.

“I’m not in love with you, I don’t think, but I do love you very much. And I’m not going to have sex with you, but that’s nothing to do with you. It has... something to do with Victoria, but it’s mostly about me. I want to continue what we have, as is. If you’re amenable. If you’re not, it’s fine, just let me know.”

Ray was silent for several minutes, but remained lying against him. Fraser wondered, not for the first time, if loneliness could be fatal. He’d done a lot of stupid things in his life in order to avoid loneliness. But he wasn’t going to hurt Ray by lying to him or by letting Ray hurt him. He’d come much too close earlier that evening. That was unacceptable. This was too important for anything but the truth.

Finally Ray spoke. “Wow, jeez, okay, I got a couple of things to say. Number one: never really being attracted to anybody, that’s fine. I’ve actually met a couple people like that. It’s just the way some people are. Number two: uh I hope you don’t mind, but if I ever meet Victoria I’m gunna shoot her.  Okay, I guess I’d have to get in line behind Vecchio, but we could probably work something out.

“And number three: I’ve kinda been in love with you for a while now. And I mean _you_ , not just your pretty face, although I love that too, obviously. No I mean you’re kind of a weird guy, you sleep in your office, you talk to your dog, you tell caribou stories and sometimes you talk like you swallowed an encyclopedia. Sometimes you’re an asshole and you’re way too stubborn –and this is getting away from me. The point is I love you and I want you to be happy. Partners is different, yeah, but I was real worried you were gunna move back to the frozen North and I’d lose all that, so. Yeah. It’s what I want too. It’s great.”

Fraser was grinning and felt a bit like he was going to cry too. “Yeah, it is great.”

Ray turned over, propping himself up to look down at Fraser. “You break your face again?”

“You broke my face.”

Ray laughed. “Yeah, ya know, I kinda like it this way.”

///

Ray doesn’t get what they’re supposed to do next. It’s fine, it’s great, whatever this is that him and Fraser have, but he’s got no idea where they go from here. Not literally, of course, literally they’re going back to Chicago, that’s been decided. Not literally, but metaphysically. Or something. There’s sort of a progress of events, when you’re dating someone, but him and Fraser aren’t really dating. Fraser said he wants what they already have, but somehow saying all that aloud made it feel different. Kind of delicate, maybe.

Fraser’s over the moon, so obviously happy he practically glows. Ray’s happy too, of course he is, but unsure in a different way than he was before. Before he wasn’t sure about how Fraser felt about him, wasn’t sure they’d ever have something other than this endless pining on his part and apparent obliviousness on Fraser’s. Now they do have something other, but he doesn’t have the words for it. It’s a bit weird.

He wishes he had someone to talk to.

He’s got these insecurities and these disappointments and whatnot, and he’s absolutely not going to complain to Fraser, it wouldn’t be fair, but god if he doesn’t want _someone_ to complain to. Just to get it off his chest.

Like, for example, he’s not sure how to feel about Fraser not being in love with him. Fraser doesn’t feel that way about people, okay he gets that and it’s fine, but it does suck a bit. And he feels like an ass so of course he’s not going to say to Fraser, essentially, “hey wouldn’t life be easier if you were a bit more normal,” because no matter what that’s how it would sound. He doesn’t wish Fraser were different because he’s in love with the guy, as is. But. Someone to commiserate with just for an evening would be nice.

The no sex thing is also disappointing and that’s also something he’s absolutely not going to admit to Fraser. Because, again, that would be a dick move. Like, “thanks for trusting me enough to tell me you thought there was something fucking wrong with you for years and yeah I can read between the lines of you not quite admitting that Victoria assaulted you, but let’s make this about _me_.” Sure, yes, he thought Fraser was hot and yes, absolutely, had been looking forward to doing all sorts of things with him, so yes, he was disappointed. Mostly he was mad, though, at Victoria. Not Fraser. Well, maybe a little at Fraser, but that was cover for being kind of freaked out.

It was messed up that it had gotten to the point where he had his hand down the guy’s pants before Fraser had said anything. Actually, even then he hadn’t actually said anything, Ray was just good at reading body language, especially when it was saying, very unsubtly, that the owner of said body wanted to be anywhere but here. It scared him to think if he’d been less observant.... well, okay, but now he knew where all the lines were and everyone was fine.

Anyway the point was, he’d have liked someone to talk to, but no one even knew him and Fraser were not-dating. Maybe bringing this up while they were in a cramped prop plane with three seasonal hunters who looked like damn mountain men hadn’t been the best idea, but, too late.

Midwesterners, though, so they were faking like they weren’t listening.

“I’m just saying – what are we gonna tell people? Are we gonna tell people? I get you’re used to floating along doing your own thing, but I got family and friends and plus there’s Vecchio.”

“I thought we could tell people we were, well, partners, and let them draw their own conclusions. We should give Ray more of an explanation, and I suppose if there’s anyone you want to know more...”

Ray shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll think about it. My parents, probably.”

“They won’t... mind?”

“Nah, they’ve known for years. And Mom was so cut up about me and Stella not working out, I bet she’d just love to hear I’m dating a Mountie. Well, sort of dating. Not-dating. I’ll figure out how to word it later. Dad might be less pleased, but only because you’re a cop.”

“Huh,” said Fraser, whatever the hell that meant.

“What about Vecchio? How do you think he’ll take it?”

“I honestly don’t know, Ray,” said Fraser. He looked worried. Dief came over from where he’d been pestering the hunters for food and put his head in Fraser’s lap, whining. Fraser scratched him behind the ears.

Ray wished he had something reassuring to say, but it’s not like he really knew Vecchio. The guy was Catholic and kind of macho, in a can-survive-two-years-impersonating-a-mobster kind of way. On the other hand, the way Fraser’d talked about him sometimes, over those two years, he obviously thought the sun shone out his ass, so. It had annoyed Ray sometimes, like he was always going to be in the shadow of the Real Ray Vecchio, Fraser’s apparent favorite person even after he’d up and left without saying goodbye. But Ray wasn’t a total asshole, so he really hated to see how worried Fraser was about Vecchio’s reaction.

“You know, Frase, if they’re still in Illinois, I bet my parents would really like to meet you. If you want,” he offered, hoping to distract him. And then because meeting-the-parents was a nervous-making prospect, plunged straight on without thinking maybe this wasn’t the best way to cheer Fraser up: “Wish I could’ve met yours.”

“So do I,” said Fraser. Dief yipped and nuzzled his nose between Fraser’s knees. “I know, but it’s too late for that now.”

Dief whined.

“Well, I didn’t know there was a time limit, did I?”

Dief huffed and shook his head slightly, prompting Fraser to give him another scratch behind his ears. “Yes, I know, it was silly of me to think so.”

“What’s he fussing about?” Ray asked. Not that he really thought the wolf could talk, but sometimes you just couldn’t tell with Fraser.

“Oh, he’s just reminding me that nothing’s permanent.”

“And do you wanna tell me what that means?”

Fraser gave him a sudden, sincere look. “Yes, I do, Ray.” But instead of explaining further, he leaned back in his seat and looked out the window.

Ray waited a minute, just in case Fraser decided to start making sense, then gave up and settled back to try and nap the rest of the flight.

///

They returned to Chicago with all of its concrete and people and dirty snow. After about five minutes of prevaricating, Fraser agreed to move in with Ray. Within the first week they’d already had several fights, mostly about how messy the place was, how Ray didn’t want Fraser to organize anything despite how self-evidently messy the place was, and also about how Fraser liked having the windows open but Ray insisted it made it too cold especially at night.

Oddly, none of the situation’s imperfections made Fraser love it any less. He would happily spend his entire life fighting with Ray about inconsequential things. When he explained this to Ray, Ray laughed and then came back later with an entire list of complaints. Which was both annoying and endearing. Fraser stuck the list to the fridge.

Fraser took over Thatcher’s job and didn’t like it much, but that was nothing new. Ray was applying to transfer to the 2-7 more permanently. Fraser pointed out that the odds were he’d end up partnered with Ray Vecchio. “As long as he doesn’t call me Stanley,” Ray had groused.

So life was good. Great, in fact. And the back of Fraser’s closet stayed firmly in place.

It wasn’t something he could explain, after all, that he missed the ghost and or hallucination of his dead father, but Fraser was starting to think that he needed to explain it anyway. He was sad. Ray was going to notice eventually. Fraser knew that he would either have to lie convincingly about what was upsetting him, or find some way to explain the oddest phenomenon of the last few years of his life.

His disgust with sex had been one thing, his confusion with romance another, but he didn’t know where to begin to put _this_ experience into words.

Except, he remembered suddenly one day, he already had.

///

When Fraser showed up at the precinct one day, out of the blue, and announced that he and Ray needed to talk and it would be best if they did so somewhere private, Ray’s mind immediately concocted numerous doomsday scenarios. Fraser hated Thatcher’s job so much he was going back to Canada, permanently. Fraser was dying. Kowalski had been wrong and Victoria was back. Fraser had decided to keep running around Chicago with Kowalski as his partner and Ray was surplus to requirements.

He didn’t even come close to guessing correctly.

Given that Fraser had just moved out of his office – the man had been _living_ in his _office_ – and in with Kowalski and there were always people at Ray’s house, Fraser had apparently decided that Ray’s POS temporary car was the best place for this conversation. Or maybe it was because he knew Ray couldn’t run away when he was driving.

“Do you remember the first Christmas I was here in Chicago? The case with Del Porter and his father? Do you remember that I told you I had seen my father, that he was showing up in the backseat of your car and giving me advice?”

Ray knew Fraser was looking at him, but he kept his eyes on the road. So, they were going to talk about this now. Yes, he remembered. You didn’t just forget your best friend telling you, out of nowhere, that his father was bothering him when his father being very very dead was the only reason you’d even met in the first place. You especially didn’t forget when you had your own undead nuisance.

“Yeah, I remember,” he answered, slowly. Maybe he could get away with pretending he hadn’t believed Fraser at the time. It wasn’t like that would be too farfetched.

Traffic inched forward a few more car-lengths. Ray wondered what had possessed him to take this route. Not that anywhere in the Chicago area would make a pleasant drive this time of day. He looked over at Fraser, who was clutching his Stetson and looking very sincere and worried.

“Yeah, Benny, I remember. That was the first time you saw your dad’s ghost, wasn’t it?” said Ray, because it had been a long time since he’d made a proper self-centered decision where Fraser was concerned and he wasn’t about to start now.

“Wait, you believed me?”

Ray turned back to the road as he saw Fraser’s expression go from surprised to thoughtful. Great. And he’d been having such a good day, too. Ah, well, might as well get it over with.

“I had the exact same problem, so, yeah.”

Fraser was silent as Ray merged into the traffic going south on Lake Shore Drive. He never seemed to know what to say when Ray brought up his father. Which was fair. Ray didn’t figure there was much that could be said. He appreciated that Fraser never tried.

“He showed up a couple months after he died,” said Ray finally, as the curve of the lake shore brought the skyline of the Loop into view. “I figured it was a metaphor or something, you know. I never told you, I guess because I wanted to pretend I had moved on more than I had, that some part of me didn’t still...” he sighed.

“Death didn’t improve his personality any. I realized nothing was ever going to change, no point in hoping, and finally one day I told him I didn’t care what he had to say and I meant it. He disappeared for good not long after that.

“Sorry I never said anything, I just didn’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s quite alright, Ray,” said Fraser, and Ray Vecchio reflected, not for the first time, that he was damn lucky.

“So! Why are you bringing this up now, all of a sudden?”

“I hate to ask this of you, Ray, but I need – that is, if you wouldn’t mind – and it’s perfectly alright if you don’t want to, but –“ Fraser was floundering, so Ray, as ever, came to his rescue.

“Hey, Benny, you know I’ve got your back. As long as there’s no climbing. Or running. And I’m not destroying any more cars for you, either.”

“That was one time!” Fraser huffed and Ray laughed. “Fine. I want to tell Ray about the ghost, and if you could just... back me up and tell him I’m not crazy, that would be very helpful.”

“Sure, I can do that,” said Ray, deciding to skip the obvious joke about Fraser’s sanity. “What do you want to tell him for, anyway? Worried dear old Dad’ll show up in the middle of a conversation and he’ll notice?”

Fraser answered carefully. “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”

Ray frowned. That wasn’t a sentiment he could easily understand. Then again, he’d kept secrets of one kind or another his whole life, with practice and out of habit. He couldn’t imagine not doing so.

“But no, my father won’t be showing up again.”

Fraser had returned his hat to the dashboard and was looking out the window. Ray knew Fraser had had a complicated and not always positive relationship with his father. He remembered suddenly how sad and lonely Fraser had looked four years ago when Ray had found him reading his father’s journal at that Chinese place by the precinct.

“I’m sorry.”

Fraser smiled briefly. “I’m glad I got the chance to get to know him better, but now he’s gone again, for good. To everyone else’s perspective, I’ve had four years, but in reality it hasn’t even been two months. And after I’d caught Muldoon, and my father was saying goodbye – I saw my mother, too, just for a moment.”

“Wow, that must’ve been...” Ray trailed off, not sure what to say. On the subject of fathers, they had some things in common, but when it came to mothers, they couldn’t have been more different. He couldn’t even imagine.

“Yeah. You know, I’m older than her, now? Seeing her... I keep picturing her being shot. And it’s just not –“

Fraser was so bad at complaining. Getting him to admit something was bothering him, even something like a bullet wound, was like pulling teeth. Or it used to be, anyway. Ray never really understood why, though he figured Frannie’s new pop psychology might have some kind of explanation. It might have an explanation for why he’d spent so much of his life complaining at the top of his lungs, too. He resolved he was absolutely never going to ask her and waited for Fraser to finish his sentence.

“Well, it’s just not _fair_. She must have been terrified. If it weren’t for Muldoon, she could still be alive and I would’ve -- I know so many people have had it so much worse than me and I shouldn’t complain but –“

“Why shouldn’t you complain? It’s not a contest, Fraser! You don’t have to compare this to every other bad thing that’s happened in the world – hell, listen, have I ever told you that you can’t complain about your father being gone a lot and emotionally distant or whatever, just because mine used to hit me? No! Because it’s not a contest who had it worse, they both suck! So, yes, you can absolutely complain that your mother was shot when you were a little kid!”

There was silence for a few beats while Ray caught his breath. They were past the exit for the Stevenson and the traffic had thinned out a bit, though not enough to really speed up the way he wanted to. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

“I would’ve had a mother. That’s what I was going to say. If it weren’t for Muldoon – So I want to explain to Ray why I’ve been unhappy recently, which will involve explaining about the ghosts. I thought maybe tomorrow?”

“Sure, Benny, I’ll pencil in ‘tell Kowalski ghosts are real’ on my calendar. Just do me a favor and don’t tell him about mine, alright? I don’t know the guy very well.”

“Understood.”

They continued south.

//

Fraser had thought that the conversation with Ray and the prospect of getting the truth off his chest tomorrow would have cheered him up. For a few hours he felt better, true, and learning about Ray’s ghost gave him a lot to think about, though for some reason he didn’t want to think about it now. He felt sore, somehow, emotionally. Like he had a bruise on his heart and was afraid what would happen if he poked at it. Like... something impossible to capture outside of strange similes.

He went to bed early, but the feeling wouldn’t let him fall asleep so he just stared at the wall for a while.

Dief was in the other room with Ray, watching a late basketball game on the west coast. Fraser could just about hear the television through the wall.

Poor Ray. Fraser was thinking about it now, too late to put it off. He would never tell Ray he felt sorry for him, he knew that wouldn’t go over well, but he did anyway. It had felt good to know that despite his faults his father had made an attempt at the second chance they’d been given. He might never have put it in so many words, but he’d cared enough to do that. Ray’s father hadn’t, apparently. What had Ray said, back at the beginning? _“My father thought I screwed up everything I ever did.”_ The man had been dead and haunting Ray for years at that point and it seemed like he’d never said anything to make Ray think otherwise.

Ray wasn’t perfect, but he was brave and big-hearted and he deserved better.

It should’ve made Fraser angry. It just made him sad. _Damn._

It wasn’t that he didn’t know what was making his chest hurt. It was just... Ray was going to get tired of the game soon and come in to go to bed and.... Fraser was so used to being alone. Which he was aware sounded completely pathetic. _Damn. It._

_Damnit._

Ray was going to want to know what was wrong, and Fraser didn’t want to explain, couldn’t explain because apparently everything was wrong right now. Which was ridiculous because everything was actually fine.

It was just... he was never going to see his father again, and he couldn’t remember what his mother’s voice sounded like, and he missed them, and he loved them, and he would never know, really, whether his father had loved the man he was or the man his father liked to think he was because they didn’t talk about things like that, and now it was just devolving into a generalized sadness about everything he could possibly be sad about, simultaneously. And he was sobbing with one hand over his mouth and the other gripping his hair.

At some point he was aware Ray had come in and had possibly said something to Diefenbaker, who’d sounded worried. When he got into bed, he lay down behind Fraser with his head butted up against Fraser’s upper back which was a little odd, but mostly nice, and warm. It was “partners.” He’d feel better in the morning.

//

Vecchio was stonewalling him. He was sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas, arms crossed, looking at Ray like he was the least interesting person to ever drag him out of bed at the crack of dawn to yell at him. It was pissing Ray the fuck off.

“And why won’t you tell me, huh?”

Vecchio yawned. “When Fraser wants you to know, he’ll tell you. Until then, I don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“Not my business!” Ray snarled. “I know he went to talk to you yesterday, I just wanna know what you said to him. Cus I wanna know how many punches to the jaw I owe you – he cares what you say, for some reason, so I wanna know what bullshit you pulled to set him off like that.”

“You wouldn’t be the first guy to rearrange my face for no good reason. Fraser wouldn’t thank you for it, though. Just because he’s unhappy –“

Later, Ray would be angry at himself for not getting his emotions under control and thinking for a minute because surely then he would have realized that he and Vecchio were obviously talking about completely different things. As it was, he was too mad –and afraid, too – to think straight, with Vecchio sitting there, blank look on his face, like he just didn’t give a damn about the man who was supposed to be his best friend.

“Unhappy? He cried himself to sleep! I don’t care how much he likes you cus I’m gonna break your stupid nose if I find out you said shit to him cus you figured out he’s queer –“

Vecchio’s eyebrows went up. “Um, what?”

Just like that, the wind went out of Ray’s sails, so to speak. Oh God, of course, Vecchio had no idea. Fraser was upset about something else, he’d talked to Vecchio about something completely different, and now Ray, the biggest idiot in the tri-state area, had just outed Fraser to the one guy whose opinion Fraser actually cared about.

Ray sat down abruptly.

“God, I am such a moron.”

Vecchio had dropped the unintimidated mobster act and was instead staring at the cabinets like he was doing math in his head. Ray waited for the bomb to drop.

“Okay,” said Vecchio, finally. “That’s not actually that surprising.”

Ray blinked at him.

“And you figured I was giving him a hard time, so you came over here to let me have it?” He smiled. “That, I like. Listen, and not to get mushy on ya, but I’ve never had another friend like Fraser. He’s pretty much stuck with me forever.”

“So... you don’t care?”

“Uh, no, turns out I don’t.” Vecchio shrugged. “You want some coffee?”

Now that Ray’s anger had disappeared, he realized he was exhausted. God, he couldn’t go without sleep like that, he wasn’t twenty-five anymore. “Sure.”

“Of course,” said Vecchio, once the coffee was brewing, “I guess this means you’re dating Fraser, so I’ll tell you what I told Victoria: if you hurt him, I will kill you.”

“Man, fuck Victoria,” said Ray.

“You said it.”

Later, once the coffee was poured and Ray had, in Vecchio’s words, ruined his by dumping a load of sugar into it, Ray returned to his original reason for coming.

“So, you’re just not going to tell me what Fraser’s so upset about?”

Vecchio sighed. “I told you, he’s going to tell you. He’s actually planning to tell you today, with me there. There’s nothing to worry about, but it is kind of weird.”

“Eh, that’s par for the, uh, field.” Weird Ray could handle. He was feeling happier already.

//

When Fraser woke, he felt better than he had recently. Ray was gone, which was unexpected for a weekend morning, but Fraser was honestly grateful. As much as he’d obviously needed to have a good cry, he was still embarrassed that someone else had witnessed it. Which was ridiculous. Especially considering he would never – in fact, had never – mocked or thought less of Ray for doing the same thing. But that was Ray. Fraser had always held himself to harsher standards.

Well! He was just going to have to work on that. Later.

Today he was going to tell Ray about his father. He was grateful that the conversation with Ray the day before had gone so well, but that had been the easy part, with an unexpected advantage that Ray had both already known and been similarly... visited. This would be different. Damien Kowalski was very much alive (somehow, it seemed to Fraser, fathers made the most natural ghosts). He wasn’t sure how Ray would take it, but “well” wouldn’t be his first guess.

Fraser was pulled out of his reverie by the ringing phone.

“Hey, Benny,” said Ray, when Fraser answered. “You wanna get breakfast? Get this circus over with?”

“I’m not opposed to the idea, but I think we should wait... Ray’s out.”

He heard a snort through the line. “Yeah, I know. Your, uh, boyfriend’s in my kitchen, drinking all my coffee.”

Fraser’s gut twisted. “I’m afraid I don’t know—“

“Don’t worry about it, Benny. It’s fine. I mean, it’s weird, but it’s fine. He came over here to kick my ass for supposedly upsetting you. I gotta admit, I like that. Sure, he dresses like a bum and has stupid hair, but at least I know he likes you.”

“So, it’s not going to be a problem? Him, I mean? And me?”

“I don’t think so.” Ray huffed into the phone. “I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing, but... the odd thing is, it doesn’t bother me. I thought it would. I dunno. It’s _you_ , _dating_ somebody. That’s what’s weird about it. At least I know this one’s not gonna frame you for murder.”

Fraser laughed, more in surprise than anything. “Yeah, no, it is a little weird. Unexpected. Definitely complicated. But good.”

“Well, let’s see how he takes your little revelation. After breakfast. I know a place. I’ll swing by and pick you up.”

Fraser promised he’d be ready. “Thank you, Ray.”

“Ah, don’t mention it. What’re best friends for?” Fraser could hear the laughter in Ray’s voice. “Hey, does this mean you didn’t sleep with Frannie?”

“Goodbye, Ray,” said Fraser and hung up, but he was smiling.

//

Breakfast went well. Ray and Ray had apparently come to an agreement to remain on their best behavior with each other for now, something for which Fraser was grateful. This wasn’t the right time for them to figure out how to bicker with each other without crossing any lines. There would be plenty of time for that later. If Fraser let himself, he could imagine a long future together, the three of them, approaching some far off infinity. If he ignored all the other possible paths and just pretended, for a moment, that there were any guarantees in this life.

So they ate burnt hashbrowns and runny eggs, and Fraser played both sides in a conversational game to decide who had done the strangest things in the last few years, with him and Ray ultimately winning with the story of using fire extinguishers to escape a sinking ship.

“That’s not even possible!” Ray complained. “That’s completely ridiculous!”

“I know, I know, but my hand to God,” said Ray and put his hand up like he was taking some sort of vow.

Fraser just shrugged and laughed at Ray’s exasperation.

“You know, we should consider that our first kiss, it makes a better story,” said Ray, as they walked back to the car. Ray was a few steps ahead and probably not listening.

“It wasn’t a kiss; it was buddy breathing,” Fraser insisted, to rile him up and to be precise. “CPR wouldn’t be considered kissing, either. I was saving your life. And if it happens to be a rather.... nice memory, in retrospect, well. That doesn’t change the original intent.”

“You’re a freak. It’s a good thing I love ya.”

So breakfast had been nice, but Fraser’s anxiety about the up-coming conversation returned as they drove back to their apartment. Fraser fell silent as Ray gave directions and an argument developed over whether this was the best route to take this time of day. He watched buildings pass, gazing at the colorful signs without reading any of them. Somehow he had ended up in the backseat, with Diefenbaker, who was peeved at being left in the car and so was ignoring him.

In a few minutes, that whole golden future he’d imagined could fall apart, so Fraser let it all wash over him, the canyon streets, the buildings like layers of stone rising up on either side, the glorious, terrible city, the funny smell Ray hadn’t been able to get out of the car since he’d bought it, the sounds of their voices with the occasional foreign inflection, vowels a smidge too nasal... He soaked it all in, just in case.

Dief gave him a look and snorted, thwacking Fraser’s thigh with his tail. Fraser smiled. Dief was probably right, he was being ridiculous, but nothing lasts forever and he was too used to preparing for the inevitable to stop now.

“So, what’s the deal?” Ray asked, once they’d reached the apartment and he and Fraser had settled across from each other at the kitchen table. Ray, in his capacity as back up, was leaning against the wall by the counter, looking wary.

Fraser opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

Ray shifted uncomfortably. “Because it seems like it’s gonna be a big deal, with you freaking out last night, and him not telling me anything and, just, it’s okay, right?”

“I told you it’s okay, it’s just weird,” said Ray.

“Nearly a year after my father died, he began appearing to me, periodically, as a ghost,” said Fraser.

“What,” said Ray.

“Nearly a year after—“

“No, I heard you, just, _what?_ ”

Fraser wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he let it sit.

“Are you crazy?”

“Maybe.”

“Are you messing with me?”

“No.”

Ray ran his hands through his hair, then got up suddenly. Off Fraser’s expression, he said, “I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving, I just gotta move.”

He paced slightly as he thought. Fraser waited.

“I’ve never seen a ghost,” he said finally. “You sure it was real?”

“Other people saw him, on occasion,” said Fraser.

“Did you see him?” Ray asked, rounding on Ray.

“Nope.”

“But you knew already, about this.”

“Yeah,” said Ray, straightening up, head tilting, slightly confrontational. “So?”

“And you believe him? Sure, weird shit happens around him all the time, but Superman cartoon weird, not conclusive proof of the afterlife weird. People die and then they’re just dead. No second chances.”

Ray looked sad. “Yeah, I know.” Then he glanced at Fraser. “But maybe some people are lucky.”

“He’s gone now, in any case,” said Fraser, turning their attention toward him. “I got used to having him around. I can get used to him being gone again. I just wanted you to know.”

Ray sat down again, slowly. “So he’s gone for real now, forever? Assuming I believe you, for a minute.”

“Yes, he’s gone. He said he’d completed what he’d been here to do, though he didn’t really understand it. My mother appeared briefly, and then they walked away, hand in hand. I don’t think they’ll be back. He was annoying and stubborn, and I don’t think he ever really understood me, but he was my father. I’m glad I got to know him, but I need to get used to missing him again.”

Ray scratched at something on the table surface. “It’s a nice idea, but I just can’t – life’s not a fairy tale. You can’t just – just make up a nicer ending.”

“I know that,” said Fraser, stung. “I know this is a lot to take in –“

“A lot to take in! Hell yes, it’s a lot. It’s ridiculous.”

“Ray, you know I would never lie to you. Not about something like this.”

Ray shook his head. “But you did, didn’t you? You say he’s been showing up for years, and I’m only hearing about it now. So say I believe you. You’ve turned my world upside down enough times, what’s one more? Why didn’t you tell me before? And why did you tell him and not me?”

Fraser considered. He could explain why he’d told Ray in the beginning: because he’d been surprised and a little worried he’d lost his mind and further because it was Christmas Eve and ghosts seemed appropriate for the date. Then they hadn’t discussed it again, until yesterday. It was also easy to explain why he hadn’t told Ray in all the time they’d known each other. By the time they met, he was used to keeping his father’s inevitable intrusions a secret, as best he could. It was better that people think he was a little odd than that they know that, well, he regularly held entire conversations with what might be an elaborate hallucination.

But the real question was why had he told Ray Vecchio before Ray Kowalski? Why his best friend before his partner? Not that it mattered particularly, but he didn’t want it to bother Ray, who he knew was somewhat insecure about being the Fake Ray Vecchio now that the Real Ray Vecchio had come back to town. Nor did he want to reveal any of Ray’s secrets in his explanation.

“I knew I wanted to tell you, and I’ve been trying to figure out how for several weeks. I wanted him as back up to confirm my story.”

“Okay, but why did you think he’d believe you any more than I would?”

Fraser scratched nervously at his eyebrow. “I didn’t, but to be perfectly frank, he’s seen me make a complete fool of myself and he’s forgiven me for... a lot. I knew he would listen, at least. And I thought he would understand.”

“Hey, I’m listening! It’s just – you’ve had ages, Frase!”

“Alright, enough of this!” Ray interrupted. “Listen, Kowalski. He only told me first cus if I thought he was crazy, he figured we’d get past it fine. And he’s only telling you cus he wants to be honest, or whatever. I thought it’d take a special conjunction of planets and a papal bull to get this guy into any kind of relationship. This is a minor miracle and he doesn’t want to screw it up. Which, personally, I think ought to mean leaving ghost stories out of it, but nobody asked me.”

Ray deflated. “Naw, alright, it’s fine, it doesn’t really matter who he told first. But... it is a lot, isn’t it? Doesn’t this freak you out? This whole life after death thing... If it’s the case that there are ghosts and people can talk to them...”

“Yeah, unfortunately, life’s a crap shoot. You think you get to pick who comes crawling back out of their grave to harass you?”

“Ray,” said Fraser.

“Uh, theoretically. I assume. And I already believed in an afterlife, so.”

Fraser reached across the table to grip Ray’s arm, hoping the gesture would help express his sincerity. “I’m not asking you to rethink your entire worldview and understanding of reality right this instant. I just want you to _know_ me, and this is part of who I am.”

There was a pause. Fraser looked at Ray and felt his warm wrist through his shirt and hoped that this wouldn’t be the final straw. No, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. He could pull up stakes, go back to Canada, return to his solitary life with Dief and the stars and the snow. He could move out of their apartment, find a small place of his own, and get used to having one friend named Ray instead of two. He could.

He didn’t want to.

“Okay,” said Ray, and (Fraser was aware he was being overly dramatic) the world began to spin again.

“Okay,” he said, grinning.

“Broke your face,” said Ray, smug.

“I’m gonna... go,” said Ray. “Real happy for ya, Benny.” He gave him a thumbs up and then was out the door.

“Thank you, Ray!” Fraser called after him.

“A ghost?” Ray groaned. “A ghost, Frase? God, who would believe it? I can’t take you anywhere!” He put his head down on the table.

“Technically,” said Fraser, “you haven’t taken me anywhere.”

Ray just groaned louder into the table top. Fraser laughed at him. Ray started giggling.

The sun was shining, a cold breeze was coming off of the lake, and for a moment Fraser’s life was perfect.

 


End file.
